This Is My Confession
nikki 
"Niggas didn't play like Jeru and come clean" -Dice Raw
This month I invited y'all to my messy home. I wrote about publishing blog posts on a site that still needs quite a bit of work. I wrote about building momentum by writing daily. Like I was getting a head start on something wonderful that was already in the works. A wonderful something that I definitely was not going to put off. I wrote, and I quote,
"So, bear with me. You'll see some changes in the coming weeks. I'm going to do some cleaning now even though the guests are already here."
Well, I may have been less than honest. But please don't be too offended. The person I lied to is me.
"These are my confessions." -Usher
As I'm completing this July challenge to write and post I am also planning a pretty epic vacation. I had decided to dust off the blog in July. Do a little writing. Do a little thinking. Do a little planning. Then, I thought that I'd go on vacation. Do a little traveling. Do a little site seeing. Do a little beach hopping. And forget all about what I did in July. My plan was to build momentum only to stop and have to build it back up again. I thought that was a good idea. It is not. It's a terrible idea. I'm glad someone called me out about it.
"Now I'm standin' back from it, I finally see the pattern" -Dua Lipa
It's a terrible idea but it is familiar. I have had a habit of getting excited about a thing but letting fear overwhelm me into stopping. Who cares what I'm writing? What if I fail? What if I can't do this? Marianne Williamson (and that guy from Coach Carter) said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." What if I would have succeeded back in 2014 or 2017? What if I succeed now?
This start-stop pattern became so familiar that it still shows up even when I'm not aware of any fear. I don't feel the palpitations of anxiety. I'm not staying up nights overthinking. My self-talk when it comes to writing and coaching is currently leaning toward the positive. The self-sabotage can be unconscious but still very real.
"Well, now you're forced to listen to the teacher and the lesson" -Boogie Down Productions
On Monday, my coach suggested that I put an offer on my website. She pointed out that while I was on vacation in a relaxed state, I could open myself up for unexpected blessings. Sort of like when people find the love of their life when they stop looking. Coach reasoned that I'd have plenty of time to do one (or more) coaching sessions without disturbing the peace of my vacation. By becoming open for business and continuing to post regularly, I could maintain the forward movement I'm making. I'd also signal to the universe and all those within it that I'm committed to the life I say I want to lead.
Community can hold you accountable. We need relatives, chosen family, and cultural kin who understand us. We need people who love us unconditionally. People close to us can nurture and encourage us.
Additionally, we need to include some outsiders in our community. By outsiders, I mean people who may not be in our closest inner circle. People who may not share our family ties, childhood memories, or all of our cultural references. People with the ability to see from outside of our own perspective. We need to be open to receiving advice from great analytical thinkers who are not blinded or silenced by their love for us.
I am reminded to be open. I am reminded to glean wisdom from the voices of coaches, therapists, mentors, professors, and strangers in my life. You never know who will snap you out of unconscious, unhelpful patterns.
I'm going to enjoy my vacation next month. And I will post several times while I'm away. And I will be open for business by the end of this month. I am declaring my commitment to making my dreams my reality.